Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
