It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
