There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
