Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He passed out mid-signature
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
As shirtless as possible
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
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