Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
the day after is always just damage control
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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