Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
