The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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