There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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