I should be sponsored by Trojan
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
no more duck duck goose at the bar
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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