this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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