No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The air was thick with penises
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
