They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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