Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
