the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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