listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
