I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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