highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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