I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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