oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
