ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
