she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
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you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
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I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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