my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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