my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
