i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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