Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Randomize
