Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Duck Duck Cougar?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
