I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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