I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
