Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER