My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
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what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
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It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?