Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
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We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
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Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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