We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
