her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Randomize
