your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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