My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
