College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Randomize
