Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
If I die, sorry about rent.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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