I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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