You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
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I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
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When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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