just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
