I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
