I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
