He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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