i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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