How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize