How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
