booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
