P.S. I can't hear my feet
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
