he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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