8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
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she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
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I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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