if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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