hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
