I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
