my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
