i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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