I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
