she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
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