Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
