I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
