I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
