I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
