I faked an abortion last night.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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